(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics : MICHAEL FIFER







Front step "cha cha cha"
Back step "cha cha cha"
Side step, front step
Back and turn

Oh my God Penny there's Link, Link
I can't believe I'm really here auditioning
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition.

Front step "cha cha cha"
Back step "cha cha cha"
Side step, front step
Back and turn
Oh Amber, look at this motley crew!
This town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned
"Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Oh, Mother not more ancient history

Oh my God
How times have changed
These girls must be blind or
Completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Amber! That move is far too dirty

Mother wake up from that dream of yours.
This isn't 1930!

You can laugh but life's a test
Don't do this, don't do that
Remember Mother knows best.
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

These steps are perfect ammunition

Let me show you how your mommy dear
Took out the competition.
Girls go get em! Boys, let's rhumba!
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
Those poor runner-ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their 'cups'
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin
In their dance

Not a chance!
Boys, put me down.
Good morning ladies.
Let's see what you've got.

Twist, twist, twist, twist,
Mashed potato, Mambo.

Ready? Begin, on my show you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bump and grind

What's that, a dance for fleas and ticks?

You should have seen my bag of tricks!
Ohh I hit the stage batons ablaze
While belting Aida
And preparing souffles

But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs."

Proceed...
Are you scared? We're on live.
No, I'm sure I can cope!
Well, this show isn't broadcast
In...
...Cinemascope!

I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

This one will never get a date
In these hand-me-down clothes.

Kid, she'll never get a date
'Til daddy buys her a new nose.
I would say 'oy gevalt' if I wasn't
"Miss Baltimore Crabs!"

Do you dance like you dress?
Amber there's no need to be cruel!
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would.
I'm all for integration.
It's the new frontier!

Not in Baltimore it isn't.
And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear so short and stout
You'll never be "in"
So we're kicking you out!

With your form and your face
Awww, it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of "Miss...
...Baltimore...
...Crabs!"

You may go
Um... thank you
I think they secretly liked you.
Hello ma'am, may I please audition

Of course not,
But you can bow and exalt!
'Cause I am "Miss Baltimore...
Crabs!!!"
Crabs, crabs, crabs!!!